I am a “give me the rules so I can follow them” kind of gal. I read all the fine print when I am in line for a roller coaster ride. I read over all those exhausting pamphlets that comes in the bag with your new prescription. I play it safe. Life is better when I don’t take any risks and stay within my limits. My daughter is a carbon copy of me when it comes to adhering to the rules and she is quick to “remind” anyone around her if they are getting close to the line. My husband and toddler? They want to know the rules so they can see how far they can go!
Knowing what was expected of me within the Healthy U program was comforting to me. Having the support and wealth of knowledge was like having those training wheels on my bike. I still had to pedal and do the work but I had the balance I needed to get to my destination. My weekly meetings with the other students, my public postings, and knowing so many people were looking at me for inspiration – kept me holding tight to the handlebars and pedaling even when my legs were going to give out – with those little training wheels at my side.
Then January 9th came. Graduation. It’s was time for the big bike, friends. No more training wheels if I liked it or not. I hit those pedals extra hard the last few weeks of my Healthy U time. That final push at the end was 120%. Every single one of those friends that walked the stage with me that night were and are winners. They all worked hard as well. I learned something inspiring from each and everyone of them. When my name was announced that I won – it was like it really wasn’t happening and everything was so fast! I remember sitting in the audience on January 10, 2013 thinking that I wouldn’t come even close to Bob’s (the 2012 winner) % lost. My jaw dropped when I heard and saw his transformation. Never, ever, ever did I think I was going to be the 2013 winner. I sat in the back and didn’t even tell my 5 year old daughter why we were there that night just in case I wasn’t chosen. But with 36% lost, 240 to 154lbs (86lbs) – I was able to join Bob as the winner of Healthy U.
But remember how I like to play it safe? Suddenly, I didn’t feel safe anymore. My comforts weren’t there. I felt a little lost. I am sure the students from 2012 and my fellow classmates from 2013 know the emotional whirlwind that I experienced. Even though I had a plan of action – even though I won personal training with my coach – even though I knew that it was going to happen and tried to prepare myself……it still was like the day after Christmas. All the hoopla was over. And there I am on my bike. No little wheels on the side to keep me upright. I stopped pedaling. I was tired. I was sad. I was feeling overwhelmed looking at the treacherous road ahead of me. I stopped and allowed my mind to wander on a path that had alot of caution signs.
I started thinking of how hard my other classmates worked – how much they wanted to win. How much their family and friends, coaches and trainers wanted them to win that night. I ended up feeling really bad and cried about me winning. There were others in the community rooting for my friends. I could think of a million reasons why some of my friends should have been up there instead of me. I disappointed alot of people. So I went ahead and picked up guilt and insecurity while I stopped pedaling.
The first week after reveal night, I had become so exhausted emotionally that I ate. Pizza? Haven’t had that in months. Big juicy burger to wash down that guilt? Yes, please and you better add some fries for my insecurities! Dairy Queen has half off shakes now? Don’t mind if I do!
The second week, I was sick. Sick with either the stomach bug or just from my body being in shock from the high caloric, greasy, fatty food. I didn’t feel too good about myself either. After only a week of “taking a break” – I had no energy, needed to sleep alot, felt it was next to impossible to go work out, craved junk food instead of my normal healthy desires. I almost dismissed losing 86 lbs and forgetting the amazing journey I was on after just 2 weeks. I have been putting off this post the last few days – this post, by far, is my most revealing and real. But that is what got me through this year – being real with myself and transparent to others.
So I will not give in that easily. I lost 86 lbs. Well, Ok. It’s not 86 lbs anymore but getting close. But I face that fact and move ahead. I will not spend my energy on what has happened! I am having to push myself hard to start again since I don’t have that energy or “good” cravings. It’s almost like starting over complete with the headaches! But you know what?! I will not back down. I have learned too much and gone too far. I know myself now. A year ago, I had no idea what kind of strength I had inside of me. I am strong. I am capable of so much more than I have accomplished this past year – which was huge mountains. Going back is not an option.
2 weeks pedaling down that dangerous curve and I have turned around heading back onto the road I was on – without my training wheels. But you know what? I sure can pedal alot faster and have more control without them. 🙂
To my fellow HU friends ~ keep on going! You have it in you to do this!
“It’s uncomfortable ~ not impossible”
I am an overcomer.