The Dark

Today I have been a crying mess. Hang in here with me. It may be a long blog! Not because of being sad or upset – but because I am just so overwhelmed with how far I have come. I have the huge honor of serving on this year’s selection committee for Healthy U. I help out with Healthy U as much as I can – not because they need me, but I need them a whole lot more.
It seems like yesterday that I was filling out my application, got the call from Sarah Nail to receive an interview, and sit through the interview – answering some hard and deep questions as to why I was obese.
But now, I am on the other side of the table. I never, ever, ever would have thought 2 years ago, that I would be a part of choosing a Healthy U class. Gosh, I didn’t even think they were going to choose me after I thought I bombed the interview!
So reading all the stories and listening to their personal journeys, really got me thinking of the past. So, I am going to be really,really honest here. I don’t care if you think less of me – I want to truly show how far I have walked. How hard I had to fight. And it’s ok to remember the past every once in awhile – just don’t stay there 🙂 I was depressed. That word is used ALOT nowadays. I wasn’t just ‘sad’. I wasn’t just a person who didn’t have the energy to do things. I was clinically depressed as in, hiding in my closet for days at a time, lying to many people because I was ashamed, being in a mental ward for suicidal thoughts, not able to hold a job for more than a week (I have probably worked at every fast food restaurant!). Living in my car, friend’s couches, waiting in line for food at the food bank. And here’s an ugly one – being so desperate for food and gas, that I bounced checks. The girl who obeys every rule spent a night in jail! All because of depression. I disappointed ALOT of people. People who truly tried everything to get me out of the darkness. I prayed, yelled to God, cried to God – to save me. To rescue me and free me – to suddenly one day wake up happy and free. All baggage gone. I literally would envision me running…running free spiritually. Maybe that’s why I like to run 🙂
There was so much more, but it was all stemmed from depression. I never had an “aha” moment. Never had something that just clicked for me. I can’t even tell you the moment I started to fight. I didn’t wake up free one morning. But I did slowly realize that I was playing victim. I was expecting someone to save me. Now, I know that some people need meds, need professional help throughout their life to beat mental illness. Please don’t get me wrong when I say this, but for me – the fight was spiritual. The fight was accepting myself and believing who I was made to be. I had battles that came into my life that would have crushed me to a pulp or made me into a warrior. Through the battles, I became stronger. I became a fighter. At first it may have been for my infant daughter at the time, but eventually I saw that I can fight. I started to believe in who God made me to be.
Fast forward to many years later – obesity was a scar of depression. even though I defeated depression, I still had the physical weight of the years of sleeping 16 hours at a time and eating 2 Big Macs in one sitting. So one last big obstacle. Healthy U came into my life at the right time. Any earlier, and I wouldn’t have been a success.
So, I reflected a lot today. Tears rolling down my face right now because I am just so grateful. I have said this a million times, but I am amazed at how far I have grown. “Overcomer” sums up my life in one single, powerful word. Not many people know the true meaning of that word like I do. Buried in my closet in total darkness, I never even dreamed I would be married – and to a strong, smart, Godly man who I am so proud of. Be blessed with 2 kids – a dream of having a girl and a boy, the miracle of getting my respiratory license back and getting a job in the field after 8 years of being absent, now being financially secure to be able to stay at home to raise my children and to give back to those in need. And being at a healthy weight – well, that never even crossed my mind back then. All this I couldn’t even fathom in my head 10 years ago.
Sitting on the other side today, I understood their frustration. I know the seemingly unobtainable dream to be able to be content with yourself – with who you are. My life may look nice and pretty, but it sure wasn’t that way and some days it isn’t. But I had to fight, and most importantly, I still have to fight daily, to be where I am today.
Anyone who feels they are hopeless, a lost cause – I get that. I know that feeling. So in sharing the hard stuff, be encouraged that you can do it. I did. It won’t happen overnight, but eventually, every step will turn into a long road and you can look behind you and see how far you have come. Be real. Face the truth head on. Don’t avoid it.
Grateful, humble, honored. That sums up my life right now.

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3 thoughts on “The Dark

  1. I am so inspired by your story and so proud of you. My past hasn’t been as bad as yours, different situations, but depressed and overwhelmed and over weight. Did your Dr put you on any presc that helped your depression but not make you more tired or gain more?

    • Sue, thanks for reading! For the most part, for my journey, getting up and staying active was and is the best thing for my depression. Everyone is different, and there was a time that I took Wellbutrin. It didn’t cause weight gain or tiredness for me. That was one reason why I chose that med. blessings to you!!’

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