Some days, even weeks, I choose to pick up my old insecurities. At times, they seem comfortable and too familiar. Today and this weekend was one of those times.
I tried to really be excited about the 5mile run Saturday morning. But I keep thinking that this is the same exact pace as last year. Even a year and a half ago. Seriously? Talk about hitting a wall. That wall hasn’t come down yet after all this time.
I have depended too much on my scale the last few weeks and sincerely angry at that thing right now. I should and do know better that the number can’t tell me who I am. But really, I put work into being fit, sacrificed burgers and fries while I see the skinny girls eating it while I eat my grilled chicken. My kid was sick, the other feeling lonely and wanted me to play with her, they demanded so much of my attention – but I gave up time with them, my son crying as I left him, to workout…Then to see 2 more pounds and my jeans fit even tighter really ticks me off.
So, with that, I spiral into other negatives. You see, even thought I have lost so much weight, I still struggle with seeing myself as a healthy and fit person. I guess that is why I try to look at before and afters a lot – to remind myself that I am not that person. I feel that I should be more fit than I am, I was upset to see my arms jiggle while folding laundry today, frustrated that I still need to pull down my shirt over my belly and not tuck it in. I seem to not get out of the 160s or a size 12. Maybe that’s just where I am supposed to stay. Maybe I am not made to be a long distance runner. I am an introvert and tried for years to change that – but being around people is, at times, exhausting especially when I play the compare game. I was embarrassed the other night after I wore light gray workout pants. I was front row in Zumba and it looked like I peed my pants. It was sweat, I swear! But I was so humiliated. Ugh. Made me doubt doing the whole class thing. It’s feels comfortable and safe doing my own thing. I don’t have to worry about that stuff.
This weekend was another bust of unhealthy eating and 2 days of not working out after seeing a gain – I definitely gave in and just said ‘forget it’ – if I am going to gain 2 lbs, then I am going to eat my cheeseburger. That will show the scale….Yeah, right!
I am tired, I am under the weather a bit – I am sure after a good sleep tomorrow, I will have a better outlook and an Overcomer attitude. I will do another exercise class – but with my black pants. But right now, I am just really irritated with myself and feel pretty comfortable (ok, comfortably miserable) in my sweats.